DEMENTIA: also known as senility or as my grandmother would say “Old Timer’s Disease” causes a gradual and long term decrease of cognitive skills that enable the ability to think and remember.
My dance with Dementia was like a carefully choreographed set of free-flowing steps, moving me two steps forward and three steps backwards at any given moment. I first began to notice the signs in my mother nine years earlier when she started getting lost when visiting my home, or when she started forgetting to pay her bills. Maybe it became more apparent when she would lose her keys only to find them weeks later in her pocket or she would misplace her purse later discovering it in her closet. It did become crystal clear when she started forgetting major holidays, family birthdays and more importantly her own birthday. This expanded to her repeating herself during conversations, oftentimes there was a constant loop of words that didn’t make much sense. No matter how painful it was to watch her struggle to remember words I continued to engage her in conversation because I didn’t want her to feel as though she was incapable of articulating her thoughts.
I encouraged her to remember the simple things and to keep talking whether it made sense or not. I was staring a harsh reality in the face, and it hit me like a ton of rocks. If she can’t remember simple words, pretty soon she will not remember me. There were some hopeful days when she would say my name, only to forget it seconds later, then she would look at me and say” I don’t know you, what’s your name. Moving me two steps forward and three steps backwards.
It hurt to see my mom in this state, because she was once a smart, vivacious woman with a zeal for life. She was always feisty and quick witted with a clap back that would leave you speechless. Oh, what I wouldn’t do at that point for her to tell me off or go back and forth with me in playful banter.
As the disease progressed she became very difficult, combative, and confused. She was angry and afraid because she was still partially aware of who she was but no longer who she was. She couldn’t dress herself, but I encouraged her to keep trying even when she put her clothes on backwards. She couldn’t feed herself or hold a cup to her mouth. She would repeatedly ask “where’s my daughter, while looking me straight in the face. I would reply “Mom, I am your daughter, remember me?” Even in her struggles, she was trying to hold on to the little bit of independence that she had. It was like watching her dangling on a ledge but there was nothing I could do to keep her from falling. As her brain deteriorated, she lost the ability to speak, eat and drink. She became bedridden, unable to move and unable to control her bodily functions.
My mother eventually lost her battle and transitioned into glory to find rest for her soul. Although she didn’t remember me, she left me a legacy of patience that I will remember for the rest of my life. God was with me through this struggle, and he taught me to be more compassionate, understanding, and empathetic. I am writing this because it is cathartic for me, but I also want to help someone who is dancing with this awful disease. It is definitely not a dance that you will enjoy.
For those who are suffering from Dementia it can be infuriating when you’re unable to communicate the way you want or remember loved ones or simple tasks from day to day. I want you to know that God is a mind regulator, he will keep you in perfect peace. If you are caring for a loved one, you are entangled in the dance and I encourage you to keep praying. I understand that it is frustrating when you’re unable to help your loved ones and your patience may get tried but know that God is in control. Cast your cares on him and he will sustain you. Learn to pick your battles and master the art of patience and empathy. Sometimes your dance partner will get defiant and push back, but they are only trying to hold on to the little bit of dignity that remains. No one wants to rely on someone else for the things that they should be able to do for themselves. Put yourself in their shoes and picture yourself as them because one day you could become them. So remember, the rhythm may change and the music may fade but if you hold on to the memories you will learn to dance gracefully.