Now That I Know Better…
By: Casilya “SIL” Smith

Can you feel it? What are you feeling now, do you feel it all? Because if you can still feel it, then it’s still there. Buried deep within those feelings of regret, guilt, shame, doubt…and how although each one can stand alone, they’ve worked better together to keep you right there, anchored so deeply where you are. Always waiting on the type of love you gave to be returned as the love you deserved. And maybe you deserved it, so say less. Though up until now, I didn’t. So, I’ll say more…

If you ask anyone in my very large circle of friends and maybe even some watching from afar, they may say “Sil is so amazing…inspiring…she has the biggest heart…”, “I can’t wait until someone loves her in the way that she deserves.” And I wholeheartedly agree that just like many other beautiful souls out there that I am now so deserving of a true and unconquerable love. Yet for the longest time, I didn’t receive love in the way that I loved everyone else. Why? Because I accepted love in the way that I so lowly loved myself.

Yes, very early on in life, I was cast in a role that I never intentionally auditioned for. The “you’re too dark, too fat, too smart, the “you don’t act black” role. I was the emotional one, the “homie”, somebody’s “poor thing”, and my own “why me”. Obsessing over the constant comparisons of others that I knew I could never live up to although I tried and tried. I thought that the only way I could receive the “That’s So Amazing”, or that “All The Man I Need”, “Real Love” type of love was to change the things that in hindsight made me, me. I journeyed through life so brokenly trying to find the person that was going to eventually provide the other half of me.

I reflected on every heartbreak that I had subconsciously played my part in. I remember each time someone said “you deserve better” and still can recall each friend of mine that reassured that. But again, did I really? Did I really deserve better?

I mean how could I expect someone to love me for me when I couldn’t even figure out who I was? If I was continually mistreating myself and giving myself away so freely, how could I expect someone to respect me and treat me like the prize? If all I was attracting were pieces and broken fragments then how could I push someone else into making me whole?
So recently, I sat down for a virtual book club meeting and discussed self-sabotaging behaviors and exploring what that had to do with self-esteem. My response was this:

“We live (and love) at the level of our self-esteem…all of our choices are going to stem from that esteem—How you feel about yourself, what you feel like you deserve, and the lifestyle you feel like you deserve. My choices are going to mirror what I feel about my life and what I feel I’m deserving of…” whether good or bad.

I have found that it’s all about the inner work. It is about being honest with ourselves and within ourselves for once. As for me, I was a good girl with a good heart that fell into the subliminal trap of the world’s labels and expectations. I became the girl that I said I never wanted to be. Sometimes I was the mean girl, sometimes I was loud, sometimes I was way out there, but I thank God for not being too far gone. I thank Him for second chances to turn this narrative around. Do a self-reflection, and ask yourself:

• Are you the person that you truly portray yourself to be?
• Do you honor yourself, your body and your spirit?
• Have you put your own petty ways behind you?
• Do you even know what you want yet?
• Are you whole even when you are alone?

Now as a 31 year-old woman looking back on who I was and looking forward to who I am. I’ve done and continue to do the work so that I can truly embrace the amazing love and life that is coming my way. Now when I reminisce on my favorite tunes, I embrace that “If Only You Knew” that “If I Ain’t Got You” that “All of Me”, and that “Sweet Love” type of love, that I’ve fearlessly earned. Now watch me work! As for you; you go and be the love that you too have worked to deserve…